The sharp colleague

Mother Martyr came into my office today to announce that we were out of pencils. Not just pencils. #2 pencils.

The gravity with which she delivered this statement struck me as odd, as to the best of my knowledge, our office did not have plans to administer SAT tests to thousands of college hopefuls or defend ourselves against a gaggle of bloodthirsy zombies in the near future.

Mother Martyr was still standing in the doorway of my office with her highlighted Office Depot catalgoue and a perplexed look waiting for me to respond. I had never seen pencils in the supply closet, but that was mainly because I lived in fear of MM's intense interrogations about my pen use and penchant for White-Out.

"Um, ok, so order some #2 pencils then."
"Well," said MM, "it's just that we ran out of them a long time ago, and I didn't re-order them as I didn't know if people really liked using them or if they would rather use pens, as pencils can't be used on official documents and it's just that it's a lot of work for me to fill out the form and order them if no one's going to use them because I could order another box of ballpoints instead..."

I drifted to a happy, happy place far away from civil servants and city government midway through her explanation of the predicament. I thought of things like puppies and bacon. And flowers. And puppies wrapped in bacon riding flower-scented unicorns.

"Why don't you do a survey to see if people actually want #2 pencils, and then you can base your decision on that input?"

MM nodded and walked away. I could hear her typing furiously from the other room. After taking a bathroom break a half-hour later, I promptly filled out the following survey that was on my chair upon my return:

Name (optional):
Left blank, of course, to protect my anonymity in an office of five when sharing my very personal views about #2 pencil use.

If #2 pencils were available, do you think you would use them more often than ballpoint pens?

If #2 pencils were available, not only would I use them for all correspondence I normally perform with ballpoint pens, I would throw my computer out the window and hire a pigeon courier to fly my handwritten notes (in #2 pencil of course) to their respective recipients as #2 pencils would virtually render all technology useless.

If #2 pencils were not available, would you still be able to perform your job?

If #2 pencils were not available, there is no way in hell I would be able to do my job because I make a lot of missteaks and neehd to have ahn ehrasher neerbye mee.

What would you use your #2 pencil for?

Desk graffiti. Ear wax removal. Masturbation. Doodling during boring meetings. Rubbing it together with another #2 pencil in an effort to start a fire and burn this hellhole down.

How many #2 pencils do you think you would use in a typical week?

42.9

Additional comments:

If we do order pencils, will I have to sharpen my own or can we hire an intern?

I handed in my survey and am now awaiting the results with baited breath. Will my other four office mates share my views on pencil use or will I be forced to bring my own #2s from home? Will Mother Martyr's survey summary include pie graphs, or will I discover the results on my own in the supply closet?

Who cares? I'm off to sit with my head between my hands on the public toilet under the guise of taking a hefty and lengthy #2.