Wiggiddy-wiggidy whack

I love cover letters.

Even though my resume might not reflect its contents, in a cover letter I could make the case that my experience in skillfully maneuvering a GI Joe doll up my cooch in the bathtub as a child and not causing sterilization might make me proficient in gynecology, or that despite my lack of fashion industry experience, I know that ponchos are so the new black this winter.

A successful "attention-grabbing" cover letter will assure you that your potential boss already buys your bullshit, a necessary step (with numerous long-term advantages) in convincing the consolidation-minded employer that you're the copywriting/graphics design whiz with experience in rock-climbing instruction, IT support and pharmaceutical sales they've been looking for.

Unless, of course, you're answering a job posting like the following gold I found on craigslist:

Marketing Communications Manager

REPORTS TO: Vice President of Marketing and Communications

• Coordinates co-marketing programs with partners. Manages opportunities, working directly with partners, various departments and staff and outside vendors
• Responsible for production of in-house marketing communications’ materials, including PowerPoint presentations, collateral, etc.
• Coordinates and tracks speaker participation for speaking engagements
• Works closely with public relations, publications and online vendors to ensure consistency and efficiency in execution of marketing communications’ campaigns to meet program goals.
• Works with various departments and staff to support overall goals.

What "goals" will I be supporting? Ensuring that every household in America receives a cherry-scented douche sample in their Sunday Parade or saving the children through Sprite Remix* twist caps? How can I falsely extol the virtues of myself and the opportunity if I don't know who these people are? And if they're not giving me anything besides a vague list of responsibilities, why should I tell them anything?


Dear People:

I saw your advertisement on craigslist.org, and I am writing to express my interest in your Marketing Communications Manager position.

It sounds really...neat. I've coordinated campaigns for people before, and I've always reached their goals, so I could definitely reach yours. I manage opportunities daily, and I am confident in my ability to deliver for your speakers when they decide to speak on those things that they speak of.

Attached is my resume for your consideration. I have blacked out the names of my employers and the specific tasks I performed at each job in an effort to more precisely match the criteria you are looking for, and am certain that my experience is a good fit with your company/nonprofit/governmental agency/cult.

I look forward to hearing from you soon, and am excited to learn exactly what it is that you people do.


Sincerely,
The girl who does things too


Just wait 'till I'm in charge of their stuff!


*By the way, what the fuck is Sprite Remix? "Yeah man, we threw down some drum and bass over the lemon lime and made this wicked clear shit that tastes like a peach wine cooler. Yo!"