I was wondering (i.e. procrastinating at work), how much blood is actually lost during a menstrual cycle. I found, with the help of a nifty guide to menstruation put out by Advil, that most women lose four tablespoons of blood during menstruation.
There is no fucking way. I plan, tonight, to do a thorough study of this "estimate" in my home lab using olive oil, a pack of OB tampons, a pair of period underwear and my kitchen sink. I'll keep you posted, however, in the meantime, I've revised Advil's handy guide to make it more user friendly:
What is my period?
The medical term for it is menstruation, but common folk like to refer to it as "the curse" or "that fucking time of the month." For about one to three weeks per month, you can expect your hormone levels to inexplicably rise and fall like this year's hemlines while dealing with mind-blowing cramps, water retention and excessive bleeding from your crotch.
My period sometimes comes twice a month. Is this normal?
No. If this happens to you, might I suggest an immediate hysterectomy, as, if you're indeed bleeding twice a month, you have nothing much to live for.
When will I get my first period and what should I do to prepare for it?
You will more than likely get your first period while wearing white shorts or at the beginning of math class under the watch of a teacher who refuses to issue bathroom passes. To prepare for your first period, I suggest wearing diapers around the house for at least a month to simulate the feeling of a maxi pad. Allow the diapers to stick to parts of your clothing and twist around. I would also suggest that you cut your stomach open and light your ovaries on fire to prepare yourself for menstrual cramps, practice yelling at any male that comes into sight for a week, exorcise your brain and all rational emotion with a pencil and gain about ten pounds inexplicably then start crying in the mirror when your clothes feel tight.
Will it hurt?
Fuck motherfucking yeah.
Should I see a doctor when I get my first period?
Yes. One with the ability to prescribe psychiatric medicines, remove your ovaries or perform F to M surgery successfully.
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4 comments:
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