What I would have written since Oct. 19 if I hadn't been in an election-related coma

The Week of October 25:
Work sucks. So does Celine Dion, Jeffrey Tambor, David Eggars and my hometown newspaper.

Election Week:
Maker's Mark. Red state, blue state. Maker's Mark. Another red state called. And another one. Maker's Mark. Another Maker's Mark. Another Maker's please...

The Week of November 8:
It really did happen. Another Maker's please...

Thanksgiving week:
I was taking trains, planes and using a lot of public toilets, which led to the following list of weird things women do in restrooms:
1) The "don't look at me I didn't do it" restroom stall exit
These are the looks you get when you're entering a particularly disgusting toilet stall (usually after waiting in a long, long line) that attempt to indicate said exitee is not responsible for the urine on the seat, the used tampon applicator on the floor, the toilet paper roll sitting in a puddle of ? on the floor, or the excrement marks that would have required a double flush.
The "don't look at me I didn't do it" exit is generally marked by a shrug of the shoulders and a slight pursing of the lips. Can also utlilize the "some people just don't clean up after themselves" head shake while holding the door for you, which is also particularly effective in these situations.

2) The "let me talk to you while you take a big fat dump because I'm looking under the stall and recognize your shoes" conversation
There's a lady I work with whose bowels seem to be in synch with mine who likes to talk to me while she goes potty. Usually, I've barely sat down when she calls out my name from a neighboring stall.
"Is that you ____? I thought so, I always recognize you by your shoes. How you doing girl?"
"Fine, this one's moving a little slow today, but how are you? I can smell that you ate Vietnamese again last night you naughty, naughty cow!"
What the fuck?

3) People think that if they spray enough Strawberries n' Cream air freshener, no one will be able to detect the smell of the fresh turd that they just laid.

End of November- New Years Day
Gettin' drunk; chainsmoking; playing with my new IPOD; making out; taking online IQ tests to finally accurately gauge my genius;reading; procrastinating at work; silently cursing carolers and all people who use "festive" and "fun" to describe articles of clothing, particularly those of a sweater variety often worn by small dogs during the holidays; cussing; knocking out spoiled kids in corduroy on the subway and trying to figure out (with my siblings) elaborate plans on how to minimize the time spent with scary family members over plates of nutloaf and rancid white wine.