Don't listen to this vol.2

Oh, Alanis! Why are you so intent on proving, with the cooperation of Celine Dion and Bryan Adams, that everything that comes out of Canada is utter crap?

I forgave Ms. Morissette for "You Oughta Know," even though its release subjected me to women who would scream the lyrics in clubs as if it were Generation X's own feminist anthem and not some self-indulgent lyrical memoir about her fear of fellatio. I even forgave her for her recent concert where she wore a flesh-colored body suit in some half-assed moral stance about the FCC's treatment of the whole Nipplegate incident.

And even though her music and "activism" are atrocities of monstrous and unforgivable proportions, I found it in my heart to pardon the non-artist for the majority of her crimes, with the exception of Isn't It Ironic?

Alanis, the answer to your lyrical pondering is NO. While irony is misused today to justify everything from the coincidental to the cynical to the Backstreet Boys, Alanis' song (and no, I'm not being ironic) is, quite simply, not ironic.

Webster's defines ironic as: humorously sarcastic or mocking; "dry humor"; "an ironic remark often conveys an intended meaning obliquely"; "an ironic novel"; "an ironical smile"; "with a wry Scottish wit."

Alanis defines irony as: "a black fly in your chardonnay", "a death row pardon two minutes late", "the good advice that you just didn't take", "rain on your wedding day", "a no smoking sign on your cigarette break" and "a free ride when you've already paid."

I'm with Webster. The events that Alanis describes may be considered unfortunate, but they're not ironic. While some will argue that this song legitimately uses the definition of irony that describes the incongruity between what you expect to happen and what actually happens, I still say Alanis has butchered the English language in an incomprehensible manner (and nonetheless, while displaying a blatant disregard for style and emotion).

What about a glass of chardonnay precludes a winged insect (that is naturally attracted to sweet smells) from dropping in your wine glass? And, since I live in fascist California where you can't even exhale in public following a fast food meal, why would I not expect to see a no smoking sign even when I was smoking?

Perhaps Alanis just needed some songwriting assistance. For instance:

existing lyric: a black fly in your chardonnay
rewrite: a black fly in your chardonnay while you're sipping out of a straw because you've covered the entire top of the glass in fly paper

existing lyric: an old man turned 98/ he won the lottery and died the next day
rewrite: an old man who was declared the strongest, fastest and healthiest man in the world turned 98
he won the lottery and died the next day when the truck carrying the prize money ran his ass over while he was sprinting away

While I began Don't listen to this with the intent of rating guilty musical pleasures, I can't even rate this song. For me, this song isn't a guilty pleasure, but a rally cry for people who give a shit about grammar throughout the world played against a completely non-descript musical background.

So why do I listen to this song? Because I'm being ironic...