O'er the land of the beans

The Governator was on the news last night saying that he wanted to ban junkfood from school vending machines and replace it with vegetables, fruit and milk. I laughed my ass off, and this time it was not because I still can't believe that Arnie is our governor*. I was laughing because each morning I walk past the 7-11 by my house and see about 800 backpack-clad pre-teens waiting for admission to the smelly sugar empire. They come out eating nachos and drinking Cherry Coke at 8 am, and set off for school with their reserve salt and sugar supply in a plastic bag hanging from their wrists.

C'mon Arnie. If you ban junk food from the vending machines the resourceful little fuckers will sell Skittles on the black market under the monkey bars at recess. Since kids are going to eat junkfood whether or not you replace Cheetos with celery, why not bring them into the joys of physical fitness through junkfood while raising corporate funds to save our schools?

Drain our public school pools and fill them with Cherry Coke. Replace basketballs with giant cheeseballs, thereby enticing Frito-Lay to sponsor our athletic programs. Construct a Taco Bell Land statewide physical fitness center in Sacramento that would feature the following:

1) Nacho cheese slide- Visitors to Taco Bell Land would climb a huge mound of taco chips and slide back down a river of nacho cheese before repeating exercise (good for leg toning and building strength)
2) Churro rope climb- Children would test their endurance and upper arm strength by climbing a giant churro
3) Ground "beef" run- Nobody knows what the fuck Taco Bell makes its "beef" filling from. In this exercise, children would have to run as fast as they could through the park while being chased by a Taco Bell employee carrying a huge vat of the beef and screaming "I know where Kibbles went when he died."
4) Chalupa row- Kids would use chicken strips to row their chalupa boat in a sea of "sour cream.**"
5) Bean and cheese burrito feed- Visitors would consume as many bean and cheese burritos as possible in one sitting in order to raise heart rate to healthy work-out level.
6) Crispy taco handball- Children would build strong reflexes by playing handball with a two week-old taco.

Go for the gold Arnie! And don't worry; you don't have to give this girly-girl any credit.

*For the record, I voted for Gary Coleman, the other Arnold!
**Cannot definitively state that the stuff Taco Bell employees "squirt" into burritos is actually sour cream.