Chad and Irene

Last week, I thought I won a "free lunch" at an Italian restaurant after my business card was drawn from a fishbowl. I got an email congratulating me and informing me that American Express® would be picking up the bill for me and ten of my co-workers.

When we got to the restaurant, we were greeted by Chad and Irene from American Express® Financial Advisors and given menus that said "Congratulations on your free lunch K!" I asked Irene what her and Chad were doing uninvited at my lunch while she congratulated me with a lengthy two-handed chainsaw handshake.

"Just go ahead and sit down for a brief presentation on financial planning before you and your friends enjoy this special luncheon."

Since I am still unable to crap on demand, I sat down without responding to Irene. Chad, who looks like a tall 12 year-old boy, began his earnest sermon:

"How many of you think, man, with all of this money I'm spending on rent, I could pay-off a mortgage while leveraging equity for my IRA and garnering interest while..."

My co-workers were loving this, and puncutated Chad's unanswered questions about mortgages and retirement with questions about the fare on our limited, but free, luncheon menu:

"American Express®, can I at least get some shrimp on my Caesar you cheap bastards?"
"Chad, can you ask the kitchen if I this panino is lo-carb? Thanks, and could we get some more bread?"

I thanked the sweet, sweet lord for having such bitchy co-workers. Chad crawled through the rest of his presentation. Irene nodded supportively. We were handed contacts sheets. We wrote that they should email us further information at youpeoplefuckedupmycredit@yahoo.com. We stole their pens. Chad and Irene waved goodbye and sat at an empty table. Chad and Irene proceeded to consume mass qualities of red wine while we sipped our free soft drinks and complained about being reminded of our dismal financial forecasts by 24 year-old walking email spam.

Today, I opened my work inbox and found a "luncheon follow-up" email: the fuckers still had my real email from the business card I dropped in the fishbowl.

This is Chad and Irene from American Express Financial Advisors hoping you enjoyed your lunch at Cafeé Delle Stelle. I noticed that you had marked off some topics on your comment card, and would like to speak to you so that I could find out a little more about financial planning. Gimme a ring at 444-444-4444 and leave a message if I'm not available. Thanks and speak to you soon!

To which I replied:

Dear Chad and Irene from American Express Financial Advisors,

Both of you are typing together from Chad's address? Awww. That's so cute.

Or are you guys actually one person? I mean, at the beginning, you say that this is Chad and Irene, but later on you say "I." Is the "I" Chad? Or is the "I" Irene? It would make more sense if the "I" was for Irene, because, well, you know, Irene begins with I and Chad doesn't, but to tell you the truth Irene, since Chad did most of the talking during our luncheon, I don't think that I know you well enough for nicknames yet.

In any case, I'm not sure how to say this, but I don't think I'm the best person for you to speak to in order to "find out a little more about financial planning." I am honored at the request, Chad and Irene, but I would be a little scared to give you advice about your financial futures. I mean, that"s what you guys do for a living, right?

While I don't think I'd be of much assistance when it comes to life-changing decisions regarding financial planning, I can offer you the following tips on family planning:

1) There is never a "safe"time of the month for unprotected sex, even during a woman's menstrual cycle.
2) While baby names like Apple and Kumquat may seem trendy and appealing now, by the mid-21st century, I guarantee your kids will regret your decision. Go for something timeless like Montgomery or Linda, or Montgomery and Linda.
3) Planned Parenthood, does not, to the best of my knowledge, accept American Express® cards.

Chad and Irene, thanks again for the "free lunch" and your sweet email. If I can be of any further assistance regarding family planning, I would be happy to to answer any questions you might have over some red wine and a free lunch.

Sincerely,
K