My friend Y is a twelve year-old straight white girl trapped in the body of a slutty, middle-aged gay black man. His weekend wear alternates between a plaid schoolgirl miniskirt and a leather kilt. He drives a cute car with the license plate "BLKBTTM." He lets his g-strings peek above the waist of his jeans. He listens to 50 Cent, wears lip gloss and carries a murse*. He giggles about boys on the phone at work, and has a heart of gold. Y is obsessed with finding a "good man."
A Monday afternoon conversation with Y usually goes something like this (a sampling of Y's multiple potential responses have been given for the reader's benefit):
"Hey, I met a man this weekend (sigh). I think I'm in love."
"Awww," I say. "Where (gulp) did you meet him?"
"Oh girl, it was so sweet. I was:
a) in a bad girl chat room
b) in the back room of the Powerhouse
c) at a work event
When:
a) this fiiiiine-ass brother
b) this sexy little Italian boy
c) this sweet Latino boy
Suddenly started:
a) writing me all kinds of nasty things that he wants to do to my mangina**
b) jerking me off while I was ordering a martini at the bar (gasp)!
c) telling me what beautiful eyes I have, and how eyes are the window to the soul. He thinks I have a beautiful soul. Awwww.
But anyway girl, I said:
a) are you married?
b) don't mess up the leather.
c) Oh ____, you are so sweet. Where are you from honey?
Then he:
a) asked me if he could come over and "help a brother out."
b) pulled out his dick and said "do you'a want'a someof ah this-ah?"***
c) started stroking my cheek delicately
So I:
a) told him to come over, but gave him the address to the Jiffy Lube down the block- oh-kaaay!
b) Was like "honey, put that away" because you know those Italians can't hold it in with me. There was this one guy once in the spa, Marcello, and I swear girl, it was like as soon as I looked at it he had already started to...
c) asked him his name and then asked if he wanted to go to my best friend's wedding with me next weekend. Is that too soon?"
My response?
"Are you serious?
a) no way
b) no way
c) no way."
Now if I could only locate that special married, multiracial, nasty, romantic, exhibitionist with a penchant for Mandy Moore and mango body butter, I'll buy them the white picket fence.
*male purse
**male (yes, it's true) vagina
***Y's accent is always a cross between a Jamaican, Bronx and Mexican accent regardless of the person's actual ethnicity.
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2 comments:
gay slang is fun. murse! we haven't got that one in canada yet. up here it's still plain old "man bag," which always makes me giggle because i start thinking about scrotums.
anyway, i made up a word the other day: "stromo" (aka straight homo) which is a gay man who has absolutely no showy, fun, or glamorous tendencies whatsoever, and who thus might as well be just some normal old boring straight guy. admittedly, i can sometimes be a bit of a stromo. sometimes, being clever, articulate and engaging is just too much effort.
you just made my day with stromo. i'm now trying to think of a word for a straight girl who also thinks that being bubbly, giggly and sexy 24-7 is just too much effort. Strutch (aka straight butch)?
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