I wouldn't even know about Christopher Cross if it weren't for the extensive aural child abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents' crappy record collection. This abuse, initiated by Steely Dan's "Peg" and admirably continued by Phil Collins and Ronnie Milsap, was administered most harshly by Mr. Cross.
While I can't claim to be completely well-versed in Christopher's catalogue, I will admit that each time I hear one of his songs, I get a little teary. I would attribute this to anger at his lack of musical talent/castrated chipmunk voice in the company of my friends, but since I'm in anonymous blogger land, I will say that I actually tear up because his songs inexplicably move me. For example:
1) A few months ago, "Sailing" came on when I was in the produce aisle of my local grocery store. I immediately felt chills throughout my body, and found that I was standing in front of rows of green and yellow peppers experiencing this daydream for the duration of the song:
I am wide-eyed and staring longingly at the gorgeous expanse of blue sky from my sailboat. I am dressed in a sarong, with a tropical flower tucked behind my ear and my lover's arms tucked around my waist. Soon, we will retire from the deck to enjoy frozen strawberry daiquiris, a lengthy massage and a session of sweet, sweet tantric lovemaking before waking up the following morning grinning from ear-to-ear as our canvas brings us into another special port full of unexpected surprises.
This was so, so wrong for so many reasons including the fact that I despise the word "lover," would lose my mind from boredom during a lengthy massage session and feel that "tantric" love should only be discussed openly by people like Sting, as it gives the rest of us one more reason to hate those corny fuckers. Upon coming back to my senses, I discovered that throughout this daydream, I was stroking a bell pepper, which made me immediately drop my basket and run into the street where I began chainsmoking and desperately looking for a tailpipe to suck.
2) Everytime I hear "Think of Laura," I want to know her story. While I know that she's a"friend of a friend" and a "friend to the end," I'm not sure why she was "taken away so young." Or why I googled "Christopher Cross Laura death" to determine the meaning behind the lyrics of a song that I loathe. Yes, it's true. I think of Laura.
3) "Arthur's Theme (Best that You Can Do)." It would indeed be crazy if a female drag queen and a short British drunk got caught somewhere "between the moon and New York City," although I have witnessed basically the same characters getting "caught 69ing on the K-line" at 2 a.m. on a Saturday night. So why do the following lyrics, about a spoiled drunken heir, move me, a drunken member of the proletariat, to tears?
And deep in his heart
He's just (hey!) he's just a boy
I have no idea, but I do know that I am going to ask my parents for therapy money before I catch myself making sweet, sweet candlelit love to the sounds of Christopher Cross on a bed of rose petals.
Guilty pleasure rating: 8.5*
*with the exception of Think of Laura, which merits a perfect score of 10.
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3 comments:
Sometimes I can never figure out the search engines. I was searching for discount coach purse, and ended up with sites that were close. I liked your blog, so I bookmarked it. Cool stuff and thanks.
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Silly. The song was written for the soap General Hospital when Laura supposedly died.
22 years later, she's back on the show and died again in November (during Sweeps)
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