Three more reasons

I keep a running list of reasons I have to move to Europe filed away in my mind. Most of them are reasons I formed several years ago such as the lack of interest in art in this country and the amazing plethora of delicious luncheon meats found in most European countries.

I thought of three more this week. While some might argue that Europe has its own Pop Idol and its own advertising machine, I would argue that pop culture in Europe is viewed with a bit more scrutiny and humor than most US residents are capable of. And that's because people in Europe read books. And vote.

1) I was eating sushi with a friend last week when my phone beeped to notify me of a new text message from my service provider (and American Idol sponsor) telling me to go ahead and dial 1800FUCKOFF to vote for my favorite American Idol as the performances had just ended. I texted them back to say that no, I wasn't watching American Idol or even remotely near a television, and that my current American Idol was the waiter who was steadily replenishing my sake and wasabi, and that while I didn't know if he was a singer or not, he still had my vote above the wanna-be Ushers and Beyonces that perform a glorified form of karaoke each week for an audience that cast more votes for their favorite singer than for the president of this country. I then wrote back to ask if I would be charged for the impertinent advertising they fire off to all their customers. I was ready to send one more regarding their sponsorship level of American Idol, when my friend took my phone away and made me go outside to smoke before I worked myself into even more of an indignant mess. I have yet to receive a response from AT&T, and my phone sounds fuzzy.

2) On Monday night, I was at Route 101 drinking Manhattans with my friend in an attempt to avoid all things Oscar related. Apparently, even the 101 isn't safe from the sudden Oscar mania that somehow manages to capture the minds of people who had better things to do than see another crappy movie that should have been an interesting documentary on someone's life, as the tv above the bar was tuned in to the ceremony. Luckily, the sound was cut-out, so the boring proceedings were set to the jukebox soundtrack of the Clash, Aerosmith and Southern Culture on the Skids.

A few years back when everyone was enraptured with the theory that if you played Dark Side of the Moon while watching Wizard of Oz, it actually meant something more than a stoned coincidence, I was experimenting myself with playing things like Stevie Wonder's Songs in the Key of Life during La Dolce Vita. And it worked- when I was high off my ass. I thought of that last night when the Oscar for best short film was presented in the fucking aisle. The jukebox was playing Black Sabbath's NIB, and while I tried to pretend that the anger I felt was generated by Ozzy's screeching vocals, I realized that it was killing me to watch this guy accept his award from a makeshift microphone four feet from his seat while they let P-Diddy on the Oscar stage to present an award. AT&T will be receiving a text message regarding this classless behavior as well.

3) A professional dancer was just awarded damages from a New York City jury because he let The Doctor with the World's Shortest Attention Span operate on his knee. The dancer described discomfort in his left leg, The Doctor with the World's Shortest Attention Span marked the area with an X, then proceeded to cut into his healthy right knee twenty minutes later.

I'm not saying that medicine is a perfect science, and that this incident couldn't have happened almost anywhere else in the world. But I do think it's brilliant that it happened here, where nepotism and networking rule our university system over actual education, and our educational system often awards grades on the strength of our short-term memories.

There were a few courses that I took in college and did fairly well in, despite the fact that I chose to first open the books the night before the final examination and absorb an entire semester while on a psychotic Skittle/No-Doze high. While I remembered the information for the exam, I couldn't speak to the cause of cold fronts or the prediction of data mining with any semblance of intelligence today.

In fact, it wouldn't surprise me in twenty years if every American industry operated in the same manner as the Doctor with the World's Shortest Attention Span. By the time the internet/MTV generation goes through college, we're going to be stuck with a population that will change our oil when we ask for new brakes and give us a tonsillectomy when we go in to give birth. Maybe by then, I won't even remember what I went in for in the first place.